Wrong Turn

YeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

My first experience of Texas: having guns pointed my way! Welcome to Teeeeeexas!!!
I met that "stereotypical Texan." Everyone else has been great in Texas, except for one person.... This is the story of Bob Harwell.

To the rest of the Texan's out there I have met, you have been awesome. To Bob Harwell, you are worthless piece of crap.

I got lost, really lost, my cell phone died (solar charger saved me) and I was on county roads, but not like Illinois county roads:

Yeah not exactly ideal eh?

I was on "public" roads with gunshots going off ever 10 minutes. I was ducking and diving off of my bike. I was in the middle of deer hunting land.  No idea of where to go, then I ran into this:

That's when two hunters saw me and came over. Apparently I was 3 miles away from my destination but there was only a private road to get there. It was across hunting camps. They were super nice and called the owner and the owner told me to come on through onto his land. I received permission. The owner Bob Harwell sent a 6 wheeler to pick me up, the guys told me to load the bike in, I told them I couldn't lift it, they put down their guns and lifted it up for me. They told me to hop in the back where I was greeted with this:

If there is any confusion of what that is, it's a dead boar with its intestines hanging out in a 5 gallon bucket. I thought I was going to vomit. I knew at this point that this was going to be bad, I took photos and videos in case I went missing:

 This is how I know I have matured, because I would have been dead by now.

Bob was fat, orca fat, so fat I think he had two pairs of xxxl overalls sewed together to fit him. You think I am joking, he belonged on the Muary Pavoich show, we are talking 400+ lbs. The following conversation took about 5-6 minutes, he took his sweet time, whether he was just a fatass out of breathe or just talking slow. I probay missed some of this but I hit on the main points:

He's cleaning and loading his riffle in front of me:

Bob: do you have any idea where you are?

Me: no sir

Bob: do you have any idea you are trespassing?

Me: no sir

Bob: what's your name?

Me: zack

Bob: zack what?

Me: duke

Bob: where are you from?

Me: Chicago 

Bob: you lucky no one has shot at you 

Me: -nothing-

-Points riffle at me-

Bob: you lucky I ain't shot you yet

Me: -nothing-

Bob: how'd you get back here?

Me: google maps

Bob: what the hell is that?

Me: maps made by google

Bob: sounds like bullshit to me

Me: no, its on my phone

Bob: I ought to call the cops

Me: We can call the police and work this out with them if you want

Bob: I am going to press charges against you

Me: I don't want any trouble but that is okay with me

Bob: you are going to get in a lot of trouble

Me: lets just call the police and let them take care of it then

Bob: If i ever find you here again, I will shoot you, you hear me?

Me: -nothing-

Bob: Bill, Hunter, get this kid off of my property, drop him on 96.

Me: - nothing-

If I was my immature self this would have happened:

Me: OH MY GOSH!!! LOOK ITS JABA THE HUT!!! HE'S A REAL PERSON!!!!

Bob: do you have any idea where you are?

Me: No

Bob: do you have any idea you are trespassing?

Me: Well, lets see, considering I am lost, phone is dead, no i didn't realize i was trespassing. And besides you piece of shit, you told me to come on your land, you can't do shit to me.

Bob: what's your name?

Me: Luke

Bob: Luke what?

Me: Luke Skywalker, I came to rescue princess laya from your fat fortress.

Bob: where are you from?

Me: Chicago 

Bob: you lucky no one has shot at you 

Me: You're lucky I don't call General Grant to destroy your confederate ass.

-Points riffle at me-

Bob: you lucky I ain't shot you yet

Me:  You're lucky the Union let the south still exists

Bob: how'd you get back here?

Me: google maps

Bob: what the hell is that?

Me: Well lets see, if you ever got off of your fat ass an experienced the real world you would realize its more then guns and booze you lazy pos.

Bob: sounds like bullshit to me

Me: 21st century, get with it. this isn't 1860 anymore champ, the South won't rise again, you surrendered.

Bob: I ought to call the cops

Me: We can call the police and work this out with them if you want, because they will not side with you. This isn't Mexico.

Bob: I am going to press charges against you

Me: Sweet, do what you want. But can you please shower, you smell like ass.

Bob: you are going to get in a lot of trouble

Me: Whatever

Bob: If i ever find you here again, I will shoot you, you hear me?

Me: If I am ever back here, I am going to Sherman Bowtie your ass, that they will call them Burke-ties

(for those of you who don't know what Sherman Bowties are, General Sherman tore up the railroad tracks on his march to the sea during the civil war. He heated up the rails, and then twisted them around trees so the south couldn't rebuild the railroads thus crippling the Souths transportation/economy).

Bob: Bill, Hunter, get this kid off of my property, drop him on 96.

Me: By the way I got a great doctor for gastro bypass, I can refer you a doctor if you can make it out the door.

Obviously he was just trying to spook me, it didn't work, my cage wasn't rattled, this is America, you can't shoot first and ask questions later like everyone says, its a bunch of crap. This isnt the Wild Wild West anymore.

 I attempted to get photos of the hunters camp, but couldn't get good photos: