The Trifecta

I stayed with a Mormon family and it was quite an experience. I almost had an anxiety attack when I saw their year surplus of food. They had a whole separate insulated 20' x 15' building for it. I like to go to the grocery store 3x a week and here I was starring down a year+ of food, I seriously got sick to my stomach.

The Mormons believe that no guest shall go hungry; so a clean, empty plate means they didn't serve enough food. 

Holy shit I wish I knew this before hand. I was taught to eat what's on my plate.  I had 3 bowls of chilli, 32oz of eggnog, two cups of hot coco, a glass of tang combined with something else (maybe cinnamon), and 8 cheese balls. They told me the chilli had 15 different kinds of veggies in it, Bryce was naming them all for me but I couldn't focus, I hadn't had veggies in a while so I was just hoping their toilet had some incredible flushing power. I was a god damn ticking time bomb.

Here is their wedding photo, I can only hope to have something this badass:

Trifecta:

1. Real easy! They said everyone always says they are going to leave at day break but no one has left before 10am. I squashed that. I left at 7:30am (apparently that is rude for guests to leave early? But I had a 105+ day).

2. They said no one has attempted to ride from Safford <--> Superior in one day it was 105+ miles with over 5000 feet of climbing. I did it, with ease. It's actually my first 100+ day since I went 142 from Austin--> Hunt

3. They have a waffle eating contest in the morning. The record was 2.5 waffles and then some guy by the name of Frank came in last week and ate 4. Frank was my arch-nemesis. He didn't know that, but he left 25+ days ahead of me. I was attempting to catch him but I got delayed twice by weather, and he was just ahead of that weather pattern.

I was thinking what a chump, Frank only ate 4? I'll eat 10. So before I even started my waffles I pounded some bacon and two cups of hot coco. They all laughed at me saying I won't do it. I didn't understand the power of these waffles......

I asked for a waffle and she put it on my paper plate and I almost dropped it. This thing weighed about a pound..... I cut into it and took a bite. I was still expecting a fluffy inside despite the weight. Wrong. This thing was solid.

I politely asked what the hell were in these waffles?

Answer: 50% waffle batter, 25% quinoa, 25% oatmeal. Well aren't I just screwed now. 

I hate losing. I'll empty the clip to win in any situation.

I ate #1, got #2 and put that down easily. #3 was a struggle but I finished it. I motioned for #4 and I was starting to sweat. Literally sweat at the breakfast table. I got the first 3 quarters down, ready to throw in the towel, until one of them laughed at me. That's it. I am willing to throw up over this. I got the last quarter down. They all said that I am a co-champion now.

Co-champion? Huh? How frickin insulting.... Co-champion? No, I don't play that way. There are no ties in my book. If you aren't first, you're last. This isn't this new age bullshit of everyone gets a blue ribbon. Winners get trophies, losers get nothing. I said bring on number 5.  I got a quarter of it down before I had to throw in the towel. I was ready to vomit, my gag reflex was acting up, extra saliva in my mouth, I had to leave now. I thanked them all for the hospitality and zoomed off, dry heaving as I pedaled down the road. Out of 300+ cyclist to stay with them I am the new waffle king!

Frank caught wind of my waffle record, and the girl who catches rides everywhere texted my buddy Jordan:

A WIN IS A WIN MY FRIENDS!!!!! 

CUE THE MUSIC!!!!

I am the champion, no time for losers, because I am the greatest!

I am actually legitmaly afraid for her to ride to superior... I was bombing down that mountain at 45mph. This isn't some freshly paved road. It's chipseal at best with rocks/pebbles everywhere with no shoulder, two narrow lanes. Even though the speed limit was 50, there was a line of traffic behind me for 8 miles. Finally there was a passing lane. A lady in a Santa Clause hat and a jingle belle sweater leans out the window in my face and goes:

"Get off the fucking road you moron."

Well, isn't this ironic... Tis the season for forgiving/sharing, and she's yelling at me for being on a road that I have every right to be on. I hope Santa put coal in your stocking or even better yet your ass. She's lucky I was going 45mph down a mountain otherwise I would have bear maced her.

I sent that girl a warning message of her route and to be careful (chalk it up, I took the high road). Her response:

Cars will be nice to her, she's a female.

Well good luck!

Last note:

They did mention one more thing to me: it takes 9 days from San Diego to their place, or 10 days for the reverse. Looks like I have a new challenge!