Cheater Cheater

Stalk Me Here!!!!!

I love my parents. They are my hero's. No joke. I'm not saying this to be nice, kiss ass or anything. They are awesome people and amazing parents. I could not ask for a better upbringing. Most of you are like "awwwwww how nice!"

my parents are probably sitting there going, "oh shit Shaun, what did you do?" Or "Shaun please bite your tongue, we raised you better than this."

My parents did teach me all of that, but I fell off the wagon somewhere and I became a bit of a wild card. If people ask me what I am thinking; I tell them. I say it how it is (hence why I am single, ladies please direct your resume to date me to: triburke @ gmail . com)

This post is a rant, and it makes me look like a dick. But I don't care. I don't like to get into dick swinging contests, but I will. I had the utter pleasure of meeting/staying with another cyclists. She is a cheater. She sucks.

Her: HI!!!!!

Me: hey how are you?

Her: good, loving it here. West Texas mountains are gorgeous!

Me: yeah pretty great. Tough cycling though. Great hills, tough wind.

Her: hasn't been bad

Me: haven't you felt that wind?

Her: kind of

Me: it's been out of the west for the past three weeks! Where are you coming from? 

Her: Austin, Kerrville, San Antonio, Marathon

Me: and you haven't felt it yet?!!?!?

Her: well, I kind of skipped some of it

Me: I don't get it....

Her: I kinda got a ride from Austin to kerrville.

Me: what that's like 140 miles, who gave you a ride?

Her: my host picked me up from Austin drove me to kerrville then drove me to San Antonio, then to Marathon.

Me: are you kidding? That's 500+ miles.

Her: I'm not a purist.

Me: so you are essentially traveling by car but claiming you are bike touring? That's cheating.

Her: I said I wasn't a purist. enough about me, so why are you riding?

Me: to ride? See the country. Because I can.

Her: I meant charity; what charity?

Me: I'm not

Her: what why not?!? Why wouldn't you raise money for a cause?

Me: free will. I'm not going to tell people how to donate. What happens if I don't make it to where I want? Am I suppose to give the money back? I don't like asking people for money. They can do whatever they want to do with it, they can choose to donate how they wish. 

Her: that's awfully selfish

Me: okay, sorry you feel that way

Her: I am riding and raising money for my grandfather who died of heart disease

Me: but you aren't riding... You're hitch hiking....

Her: that's awfully rude 

Me: well you asked for donations to ride a bike across America. Not drive, which is what you're doing.... 

-I go back to working on my bike, she spots my bear mace-

Her: why do you have bear mace

Me: for people like you

Her: haha very funny. But seriously?

Me: dogs

Her: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? That is awful. You spray dogs?!?!? Is that even legal? How would you like it if you got peppered sprayed???

Me: Actually I have been peppered sprayed, it was quite hilarious (UW-Madison Halloween 2005, technically it was tear gas, I don't know how much of a difference it makes).

Her: you just need to get off of your bike and pet them.

Me: seriously? That sounds like an awful idea

Her: They won't hurt you.

Me: not taking that risk

Her: oh well that's cruel what you do.  I rode 50 miles today. How far did you ride?

Me: 80

Her: oh well I went running also.

Me: nice I love running

Her: well I want to do a marathon.

-here comes my mistake, I played into it. If I would have just shut up none of the rest would have occurred-

Me: do it. Just take the plunge.

Her: have you ever done one?

Me: yup

Her: my boy friend has done 3 and ran a 3:55 how many have you done?

Me: I don't know maybe 12. I don't count. 

Her: what was your best time?

Me: I ran a 2:47

Her: oh well i've do sprint triathlons

Me: very cool

Her: have you ever done a triathlon?

Me: yeah they are alright, but I don't like swimming.

Her: oh so you could never do a half iron like my friend Jeff from New York

Me: actually I did 5 half irons and 2 ironmans this year alone

Her: -blank stare-

Me: -praying she leaves me alone-

Her: well I want to run an ultra too

Me: go for it

Her: will you ever do one of those?

Me: I've done two

Her: oh well that's cool. I think it will make me loose weight, this trip doesn't seem to help.

Me: -my body is just shaking as I try to but my tongue-  I'm going to go test out my bike. I'll catch you later.

QUIT HITCHHIKING AND RIDE YOUR BIKE. You wonder why you haven't lost weight???? You haven't rode anywhere....

Next morning

Her: where are you going today?

Me: marfa

Her: oh that's awesome! Such a cool town. Tons of art, tons of stuff to do.

Me: at this point any town that sells beer will be awesome

Her: you shouldn't drink. Alcohol is a depressant

Me: I'm well aware

Her: people who drink are depressed

Me: ahhhhh, please leave me alone

Her: why are you so mean?

Me: you don't want to dive into my dark childhood

Her: i majored in psychology so if you want to open up, I have a good understanding of the brain, I bet I could help.

Me: i am a depressed lonely person who had a terrible upbringing, abandon by my parents, I have been shuffled around foster homes and have been heavily drinking since the age of 13

Her: seriously?

Me: no! I'm just an asshole.

Last one before I left:
Her: hey we are headed the same way! Let's ride together, we can be a team!
Me: There is no Shaun in Team
Her: It will be great!
-What I did next was awesome. I bombed down a hill at 45mph leaving her in the dust. I knew she wouldn't catch me. I mashed the pedals hard! Hopefully we won't cross paths again!-