Never Have I Ever.....

This is a real long post with only a few photos but honestly this post is great from my perspective, I thought about not posting it but meh, let Shaun be Shaun. Mom you may not want to read on!

First of all I entered Louisiana on Tuesday, that meant I finally crossed the Mississippi River. I am not very far west at all :/

I don't have any pictures of crossing a bridge but someone got a live shot of me crossing the bridge:
 

Seriously holy cow were people pissed off. Not my fault there is only one bridge within 80 flippin miles..... Eeeeeesssshhh

Okay, "Never have I ever"

What a solid game! The game is only fun when it's a good balance of guys and girls. I started playing around the 5th grade. When you're in 5th grade you held up 5 fingers and someone would start:

"Never have I ever: kissed a girl"

Anyone who had kissed a girl put a finger down, the first person that had all their fingers down, was either the winner or loser, depending on perspective.

In high school the game continued but some played with beer and some still played the old way. The topics/stories got better though:

"Never have I ever: run from the cops" 

The game continued on in college where it was played with beer for the normal people or shots for the alcoholics:

"Never have I ever: (insert hilarious thing here that you just know would screw over a friend to make them tell a story)"

As you can see the game progressed with age, and you got to find out a lot. One that gets pinned on me is: "never have I ever had a hotel fountain drained because of me." This always gets brought up since I am awesome. I didn't get a hotel fountain drained but rather a whole resort fountain system drained because of me!

 

The detour begins now, let me tell you that story.

One of my best friends in college was Shaun D. I met Shaun on day 1 of my freshman year. He lived across the hall from me and it he was the first person I had ever seen spell his name the same way as me. What can I say, it was a bromance from the get go. We partied all throughout college and even remained best friends after I moved to Louisville. I got the call one day saying he was getting married and it would be in the Dominican Republic. He wanted me to be a groomsman but said he understood if I couldn't make it. I booked my ticket 5 minutes after I got off the phone with him. How could I miss this?!? The wedding was the day after we arrived so people could relax afterwards. The bridesmaids and bride got up at 8am to start getting ready for the noon beach wedding. The groomsman's and I also got up at 8 but rather to drink. By 11am we all are pretty drunk when we find out the wedding has to be pushed back due to a sickness. Crap, we had been drinking for three hours now, and it's going back another 3 hrs.....

Two choices here: power nap in hopes you can recover and hit full swing for the night, or two: continue to drink. The obvious choice was made:

All of you can see where this is leading: Absolute disaster. By the time the wedding rolled around I was near black out. I am convinced that's why I had two bridesmaids!

I ended up giving a speech whether I suppose to or not, I don't remember:

I was also the idiot that jumped into the pool but everyone else followed suit:

It's been about 14 hrs of drinking now, and I am blacked out. When I black out I have an awful tendency to wander (Gognat might fill you in on that Louisville story). I don't remember anything but Shaun's older brother Eric, and others saw someone swimming in the hotel fountain that wrapped around the main building, this fountain is about the size of a football field. This is from witnesses that saw me and told me what happened:

I ended swimming quite a few laps (trying to impress a girl that I could swim), swallowed a bunch of water, ended up throwing up in the fountain and running away from security successfully. Then I preceded to fall asleep in a bush at the resort for an hour or so (multiple people tried to wake me up). I woke up on my own and walked over to the bar. Shaun's brother saw the trail of water leading from the fountain, through the main lobby, to the main hotel bar where i was soaked and saying "Necisito dos cervezas!"

Apparently they were still serving me, that's when Eric knew I had to go back to my room, he walked me back. In my room I stripped down naked and go take a shower. In the shower I was drinking the water, which was a big no no. I got out with just a towel on. Eric put me on my stomach which was a smart move considering the amount I had drank and then drinking the water which was not purified. I ended up waking up that next morning in a huge pile of my own vomit, left the maid $40 (that's like $200 to Dominican people!), did not shower, and headed straight to the beach since I was late for the Olympics. I needed to show all those Europeans who is boss (priorities people). Now when I was there, I wanted to portray the stereotypes of a typical American with sunscreen plastered on the nose and a fanny pack:

(Unfortunately I did not have a fanny pack)
 I walked by the fountain and asked someone why it was drained, he responded:

"Someone stupid drunk kid went swimming and threw up in there."

I replied: "gah what an ahole, someone is always ruining it for everyone."

Little did I know that was me.....

I showed up to the Olympic Games where it was split in two teams and a total of 7 events were to take place. We went 3-3 in the first 6 events (obviously planned by the resort to make it more fun). At this point I am still hungover and still drunk (if you haven't ever reached this stage, you haven't drank hard enough). I feel like a pile of cat crap. I was the anchor of our team for the last event that involved running 100 yards, do some tire stepping, crawl under some ropes, pop a balloon, spin around a bat and run back (read: stomach is going to KABLAMMMMOO!). It came down to me and the other teams anchor, who had a 10 second head start on me. I ran so hard, perfected each step of the obstacle course with brilliance and out sprinted the guy by a second! We won! I immediately collapsed to the ground and started puking again, that's when everyone realized I was the kid swimming and puking the fountain. They were all pissed at me now, the gold medal didn't mean anything to them anymore, they all had something to say about growing up, learning to handle my alcohol, and they just left as I lie there. What a bunch of losers. I just won you a free bottle of booze and you're going to shun me? More like praise me since more drinking will take place!!! We each got a bottle of Mammawanna (which Dominican Republic spiced rum or something) for winning.

That's when Shaun and the crew stood over me laughing and filled me in on everything while I was losing whatever was left in my stomach. I heard story after story of stuff I was doing at the wedding, and apparently I was just a joy (seriously) and everyone wanted to know what resort bar we were head to that night.  

That night we got our gold medals (really just paper), and a bottle of liquor each:

What a great wedding!!! That is my story from "never have I ever."

Some of you are shaking your head saying you hate people like me or I need to grow up, that you are embarrassed for me or I should be embarrassed, but I'm not. It's hilarious to look back on. It's called living in the moment and being awesome! I never once planned on doing that nor do I ever plan on doing it again. The best things in life are the things that happen develop naturally

 

If you would like to hear other hilarious wedding tales about me, you can ask Jessi, Doty, or pretty much anyone who has been to a wedding with me. I seem to let it all out there.

Detour over:

I broke two things on this trip two "never have I ever" on this trip

1: Never have I ever camped with anyone who had turrets, and spoke a different language.

Until now...

It was the scariest thing ever. I went to say hi and he starts out all soft spoken bonJOUUUURRRRRRRR and it amplifies like a goddamn megaphone and hits you like a tidal wave. That wasn't even the bad part. He set up camp right next to me.... There are 30 spots, only 5 were filled and he went right next to me...... Do you have any idea how freakin frightening it is to wake up in the middle of the night with some French guy screaming out a bunch of words that you don't understand? It was terrifying and it happened every 20 minutes!!!!! I would be sleeping and then all of a sudden:

"AVOIR DE LE, SHOCKKAABLUE WEEE WEEEE"

Immediately I would dive to the other side of the tent and cover my head like the nazis were invading or something. This went on all night long. I feel asleep again and then:

"FRENCH VIVA LA FRANCE (more French words), FRENCH FRENCH" 

I never understood what he was saying which made it worse. I got approximately ten twenty minutes sessions of sleep, but my duck and cover is pretty much honed in to perfection.

2. This actually happened this summer but this trip reminded me of it since it happened again.

Never have I ever thrown up from eating too much...

Embarrassing right?

Happened in the badlands first. I went on a 13 mile trail run, took a wrong turn, and it became a 24.xx mile run with 7500 ft of climbing, 15,000 ft of change total (took me 5+ hrs). With only one water bottle and no breakfast I thought I was going to die (legit worried, it was 95 degrees air temp, who knew what the temperature actually was since I was in the badlands, I was horribly dehydrated, didn't know where I was, no one was out there on the trails (4th of July) and my vision was starting to get real blurry, maybe a 4 foot view range, but I had no choice but to run on). I eventually made it back, slammed a half gallon of water, 2 boxes of Velveeta Mac n cheese, bag of twizlers, bag of cheddar jalapeno Cheetos and a quart of chocolate milk all in about 30 minutes. Yeah I know, terrible idea in retrospect. Sure enough 30 minutes later I was crippled couldn't move, and started throwing up everywhere in my car. It was awful. All the sodium and foods just expanded in my gut (I'm no stranger to throwing up in cars, ask my family, Gognat, Lundberg, and just about all my friends). 

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me. 

 

Round 2: November 25th

I just got done riding and I was starving and thirsty. I hit a local joint for my first ever Po-Boy. I got one with shrimp and one with catfish (total of 2 feet worth of sandwiches), fries, and hush puppies. In the south the portions are the size of Texas. I slammed all the food, 4 glasses of water, and then jogged over to Dairy Queen for a large Heath blizzard as if my stomach hadn't had a bomb dropped in it already. 5 minutes later that blizzard was gone. WWIII began about 15 minutes later. I had felt this feeling before.... I immediately went to the bathroom and let the flood gates open... I was laughing so hard it started coming out my nose spraying on the mirrors and everywhere in the bathroom. This went on for about 3 minutes (felt like an hour) until I completely emptied out. The joy of being solo!

Please humor me if you have any stories of stupidity like this. I could use a good laugh.....